"What a man!"

So I was told, as Dr ABC pressed the er...ultrasound probe against my pubic symphysis, and 5 other meddies looked at the screen, revealing my prostate, measuring 12cm across. Of course, he was merely mocking me, he told me later that it was average in size. Which is good, since I'm way too young to have benign prostate hypertrophy. Urology tutorial started out as a drag, coz Dr ABC was so stern and behaved as if we weren't there. And we waited around for an hour or so until he opened up and decided to show us a thing or two. Of course, our assigned tutor for the day was kinda amusing and just..really really nice. He kept joking and almost treated us like friends, but then, he was in the other room, with the other cg. Apparently, he was very aware of my cg's "predicament" with Dr ABC, and joked with the others bout it.

So we got to try our hand at ultrasound. The others had fun smearing conduction jelly on me, over my flanks, right and left lumbar regions, over my heart as well (where we could see my heart valves opening and closing) ..and of course, over my pubic region. Thank goodness they didnt go any lower. The doctor suggested scoping me too, it'd be a cold day in hell before I agree to that. And all the while, poor Brenda and Sherlyn were stuck in clinic with a certain prof, who happens to be an examiner for mbbs exams, so that might put things in their favour if they managed to give him a good enough impression that lasts 3 more years.

In a slightly pensive mood tonight, thinking thoughts that shouldn't be said, feelings that shouldn't be revealed, at least not here. Feel like nothing's coming out the way I want it to anyway. Hm. Oh well, I tried. Blogs have limited usefulness.

To View A Man In His World.

5 weeks have passed, CSFC is coming to an end, CG's will change, but most of all, VIETNAM, here we come! As usual, I've been...lazy to blog. Life has been interesting, clinics intriguing, patients...well...there are both extremes.

Take today for example, we thought to go to school early to do some clerking, since we'd been pretty slack the entire week. Veni, vidi, vici, it wasn't. Everyone we went to either wasnt there, didnt want to talk to us, was having breakfast, had relatives with them, you get my drift. All that = we couldn't take their history or perform a physical exam. So we finally got one patient who was nice enough to talk to us, though he did have this look on his face, which suggested the regret he felt for not being blunt enough to turn us down. We sure didn't expect what was coming. We'd thought we got our history-taking act together so we were fairly confident, but this patient was a reminder that we're still 5 clinic-week old students, with immense gaps in our knowledge, and basically, babies in need of guidance, apprentices in training.

His history was so complex and convoluted, we lost track of the structure we usually had, got thrown off track several times, only to bounce back and beyond. And at the end of it all, it was all a blur. His is certainly a story worth mentioning, what with diabetes, hypertension, ischaemic heart disease, gout, nephrotic syndrome, arthritis, hypercholesterolaemia, etc etc. His physical exam ( we did a cardiac exam ) revealed few signs. That really didnt help. And we walked away from the patient, feeling worse than when we began. It wasn't a very encouraging start for the day, especially since we thought we'd be enthu today.

So on we went to look for more patients, received a few more rejections along the way, fraying my patience even more. And my temper flared up at the worst possible moment, why it was the worst moment...you'll soon find out. We went to check out a patient with cvs signs, maybe listen to a murmur, and when we got there, she wasnt in bed. And her name was off the board, so maybe she was discharged. I was totally put off by everything by then, and displayed my anger to my two companions, for which, I apologize. We didnt even have her name, but decided to ask the counter if she'd been transferred to a different ward. We found out she'd passed away this morning. My anger immediately dissipated, and I thought, shit, what the hell was i thinking? How could I've been so self-centred? And I silently berated myself, for being angry, concerned only with being able to learn, and forgetting that we're there to care first, even if we havent learned how to, in a sense.

I'm not sure if I could call that my first brush with death in the hospital. That lady wasn't someone I knew, not someone I'd spoken to, or even seen before. I wasn't emotionally attached to her, I wasn't involved with her treatment and management, I'd never had any form of contact with her before. She was just a number to me, just another case to learn from, I'd forgotten that these people can pass on from their ailments. And I hated myself for it. For allowing myself to think that way, it's only been 5 weeks. We have to remember what we're there for, forget all the challenges we face, our trials and tribulations, our hurdles, and remember all the trials our patients go through, because its their lives that we're dealing with. Sure, our lives are intertwined with their own, in some ways, and it's so easy to fall into a world filled with our own concerns and issues, but we're there, for them. And I pray that God will never let me forget that. To never forget compassion, empathy, to always possess a will to do the best I can.

Insurance Tactics

Something fairly amusing happened to me today as I was leaving Junction 8, went to return some library books and I was on the way back to the car. I was walking through the foyer in between the two entrances to Junction 8, where several AIA-shirt garbed insurance agents stood watch, waiting to sink their teeth into unknowing victims. I decided I wouldnt be one of them, but I made the mistake of accidentally making eye contact with one of the agents, and you know that feeling you get when you see someone with 'that' form of intent approaching you, oh shit. So he asked for a minute of my time, to which I responded, "Sorry, no thanks.". I didnt even slow down. THEN, he said, "Wow, Sir. Your voice is so husky! VERY nice!". That took me by surprise, the things these people do nowadays, to get someone's attention. Haha, maybe it was sincere, or maybe it was a shock tactic meant to slow me in my tracks, just enough for him to latch on. Too bad it didnt work! Ahaha, I offered my thanks, and went on my way.

No Trophies for Show.

It's been quite some time since I last paid attention to this place, not for the lack of anything exciting happening, but rather, the lack of interest in writing/expressing myself. (Read: Tired of blogs/blogging) I shall attempt to summarize the events that have taken place since my last entry.....and beyond that, if I can recall.

16th April: I went wakeboarding with Zj, Christine, Hazel and Karen. Discovered that jumping doesn't rely so much on the "push" from your legs, but instead, depends on the angle and speed of your approach towards the wake, when you cross it from outside to inside. Zj and I managed to do a few hops/jumps here and there, just managing to clear the water. The first time I tried it, I recklessly plowed into the wake at a near 90 degree angle, went up..well, what felt like was 'high' to me, and crashed spectacularly, with my left foot out of the binding, the board hanging from my right leg. Can't wait to go a 3rd time!

Hm..what else did I do during the break? What I recall most vividly are the late nights spent online and gallivanting thru the world of faerun in neverwinter nights. Alright, we go on.

23rd April: Embarked on the next phase of our medical education, it was one heck of a boring day full of lectures which put everyone to sleep or made them moody. Thank God we only have 1 lecture day a week from now on. In all honesty, the first week of CSFC was terrible for me. If not for the kindness of several seniors who I barely knew, or didnt know, I wouldn't have learned anything at all. Tutors at SGH are either too busy/slack to pay much attention to medical students, especially m2s in e-clinics, since we know next to nothing and the learning curve is so steep. Our surgery tutor was too busy in clinics to give us a tutorial, so we stood behind him as he saw patients..for almost 2 hours, before giving up. And with his blessings too. Here's a re-enactment :

Dr XXX: I know how boring it can be for you guys, it must feel like a complete waste of time, why don't you go gallivanting? I'd do that if I were you.

Me: But don't we need a doctor to be around when we go around the wards and talk to patients?

Dr XXX: Wards? No, I meant, go watch a movie or shopping or something.

All of us: -Stunned looks-.

After which, we quickly took the chance to take our leave. Part of the reason I stayed that long in the first place, was coz he was from acs too. Haha, it fired the spark in me to try to learn a bit more. But he was just too busy. Oh well. Too lazy to elaborate more bout our interesting first experience with Dr XXX.


25 and 26th April: Celebrated Hon's birthday! I still have yet to upload photos from the dinner at P.S. Cafe. I think I look very..erm...bad in most of them. haha. But, I WILL upload them, after some editing. hahahaha. Thanks again Hon, for the lovely desserts! Glad you were surprised the next day (hope you really were) and hope you like the bag! Haha.

30th April to 4th May: Week 2 of CSFC. If only our lecturers in M1 and M2 were like the first 3 on Monday, they were damn interesting and entertaining. Had our first tutorials on wednesday, which somehow inspired me (alright, I sound like a geek, I know) to study harder, even hearing things like other groups having to read 3-4 chapters of Talley in the first week didnt spur me on (while I didnt touch Talley at all, particularly coz I didnt have it yet). And so I've been trying to read Talley...but I havent really clerked many patients yet, a few as a group, not even one...by myself that is. And when I mention that little bit of info to some, they balk and give me wide-eyed stares, as if checking if I'm really a classmate of theirs. So here's where I feel a little pressured, coz they start relating stories of people clerking 20 patients, filling up notebooks with notes and patient stickers, stories of sacrifice and determination, skipping lunch to clerk patients?!!? Staying in the hospital from 730 to 9. Ugh, I shall not go on. I still have my fear to get over. Until then, my notebook remains stickerless..and without evidence of my having learned anything this past 2 weeks. Lets hope week 3 gets better. And that God blesses me with a silver tongue, able to spout chinese/dialect like my talented cg mates, to sweep all the patients off their feet and 'encourage' them to tell me everything I'd need, for a history. Amen.